Fernanda

Fernanda calls herself Friendly, trustworthy, good listener, stubborn and curious. She grew up in South America and has lived in the U.S. for many years. She is married, has a cat and lives in a Northeastern city. She loves concerts and loves to cook. She started college but did not finish: I didn't have money anymore to pay for my education. So she hopes her experience will make her resume stand out. During the diary she was out of work.

Her health story arrives in two quiet sentences. She had not expected to become a mother: I knew chances were slim. Then: About a month ago, I was 6 weeks pregnant but had a miscarriage. Later, on Day 5, she notices that while she was pregnant I was doing all I was suppose to without excuses, and that afterward the old habits came back. This portrait records what she chose to say, and adds nothing.

Her grandmother raised her, along with three cousins, while their mothers worked. She cooked rice and beans with vegetables and legumes, pizza on Sunday evenings, and Waste of food was a big No No for my grandma. The grandmother did not like anyone in her kitchen, but I was persistent and she gave up. Cooking was always a way to connect even more with her. Losing her, ten years before the diary, is her lowest point: Ten years have passed and I still miss her every day. Her other defining moments are four months in the U.S. as a seventh grader, and a new beginning in 2019, when she learned it is okay to rely on each other and ask for help. She and her husband now cook together and sit down in the kitchen table to eat dinner, not on the couch.

Her mother lives with type 2 diabetes, and for about three years Fernanda went with her to the emergency room every few months. Her conclusion: I don't want to go through everything she has to. She plans five recipes a week, often copied from meal kits. Meat is a hard subject for her. I am really sensitive and even feel bad when I pluck some basil from my vase. Once, dicing meat for a stroganoff, she thought about the animal’s life and threw all the meat away. One reading is that she holds two loyalties at once, to the table she was raised at and to animals she cannot bear to think about, and she is frank that she manages the second by not looking.

Her biggest challenge is the one she is living: Do I let depression take over my mind and body or do I fight it? She recognized it herself and asked for professional help; No one, not even my husband noticed or said anything to me. Her superpower is Willpower- only you can do anything about your own life. She meditates, breathes deeply, and carries a lavender roll. Under stress she wants a burger and fries, and one spoon of chocolate spread is enough. Her 2 a.m. person is her husband: He's showed over and over again he is always there for me.

Her Day 5 goal is to make better versions of her cravings at home and stop eating late. She knows her own trap: I'll start next Monday. Her motto fits on a sticky note: You know you can, just go ahead and do it already! What would help: To have someone doing it with me. Her letter remembers what she is proudest of, quitting smoking: I knew I could do it, so I just did it.